War Games or Language Games?

I read with interest the test that new British sailors have to go through in order to be come full sailors. One officer on board said: "To qualify as a submariner, there is a long training period including a two-hour oral board.

After that, the sailors have to name a list of slang words. Here's a taster:

What do you suppose 'seggies' are? Any idea at all? They are in fact grapefruit segments. How about a 'Pom'? No, it's not a boring old Brit seen through the eyes of an Aussie. It is in fact powdered potatoes.

Here's a few more to whet your appetitie:

* Spithead pheasant – kippers

* Elephant's footprint – battered spam fritter

* Baby's head – steak and kidney pudding (the smooth pastry rises like a shiny baby's head)

* Black on black – chocolate pudding with chocolate sauce

* Action Man pillows – ravioli

* Teddybears' ears – Chinese prawn crackers

* Seggies – grapefruit segments

* Snorkers – sausages

* Gary Glitters – gammon steaks (as in Glitter's song chant "Come on, come on" or the submariners' version "Gamm-on, gamm-on")

* Cheesy-hammy-eggy – a traditional Navy dish, Welsh rarebit with ham and a fried egg

My favourite's the Gary Glitter reference - what's yours?
One wonders what would be the case if, say, lawyers tried to do the same thing? Cauliflowers might become wigs? subpoenas might become 'welcome drinks' and so on.

This is in fact not new. The Austrian philosopher Ludvig Wittgenstein said that we all play language games within our peer groups, so lawyers will exchange jargon and buzz words with each other as a way of identifying with each member of their group. Looked at this way, language is not the inert medium people believe it to be but in fact a live, dynamic, breathing, continually evolving medium that binds us all together.

As one sailor said to the other: "Hey gorgeous, you wanna come upstairs and have a Cheesy-hammy-eggy, followed by some "Action Man pillows? God only knows what they've planned for dessert!!

Whoever pays the piper...

As a long time resident (some would say 'lifer') of Thailand, a few friends have recently emailed me asking for my take on the recent problems that have beset Thailand. Ordinarily, this blog has been devoid (largely) of political opinion, and indeed commentary on The Thai monarchy and the Thai Police, what I call the 'Trinity of Untouchables'. There are many reasons for this, none of which I'm going to get into now, although I will make a few observations on the current problems for the sake of outsiders who are wondering what can have happened to such a beautiful country and such eternally optimistic and smiling people.

Once upon a time there was this very clever young man, named after a former Thai king, Thaksin Shinawatra, who had high ambitions. He started his own telecommunications company and became very successful indeed (largely through unscrupulous business practices). Then one day someone said that as he had so much money that he ought to enter politics where he could make even more. Smart enough to see a golden opportunity, he did, and won a landslide election mostly in part because he could see that there was a large part of the country in the North West region (The Red Shirts) who felt disenfranchised and were fed up with the Old Guard, (The Yellow Shirts) the elite sets of Thai families who always controlled everything from Bangkok and scarcely gave a thought in developing their own region.

(It also helped in large measure too that he spent a considerable amount of money bussing down to Bangkok all the rural poor to vote for him along with some 'tea money' for a drink later!) For all intents and purposes, Thaksin set himself up a s a modern day Robin Hood, walking round poor villages (making sure the journalists were filming him) handing out 1,000 baht notes (about 20 GBP) to the poorest of the poor. Onyl a complete fool could fail to see what he was doing but it worked and he secured their votes when election time came around.

A friend recently wrote in an email the following:

'Fun and games in BK I see. I've been watching the situation for a while and I wonder what your take is?" Here's my answer:

It could easily descend into civil war. There are two clear divisions but with two opponents with similar messages. Both want to change things, but in radically different ways.

On one side, you have the 'Old Guard', (which includes the Monarchy) the 'paternal father' kind of power seekers - curiously Asian (especially prevalent in Thai politics) where an elite group of politically active families decide what's best for the majority (with the necessary and occasional 'bow' from the monarchy).

And then there's the progressives, the bureaucratic staff, government officers, the police (those much more attuned and accustomed to gaining advancement through rank than privilege, in other words - a meritoracy. Thaksin belongs here as he rose to power as a hugely succesful businessman. Thais love nothing more than a successful man who's made it in business.)

"How are the Thais reacting?" I'd say mixed reactions. The Bangkokians seem to be taking it in their stride at the moment, but then Thais are very good at pretending things are not happening around them, so it's often really hard to gauge the real Thai reaction if you know what I mean.

"Is this just a feud of the governing classes and their supporters or are the people actually divided?" Yes, it's that but more. Abhisit represents 'the new' as in born in Newcastle, studies at Oxford, is young and handsome bla, bla, bla, but Thaksin has been trying to sing the same tune in his addresses saying 'Thailand needs change! e.g. presenting himself as 'the candidate of change', so I guess you have to work it all out for yourself cos there's no clear candidate with a clear mandate to govern more's the pity!

'Are the cops supporting Thaksin or just incompetent? Ah! Now I have to be tactful here as I don't want to mention the lovely boys in brown in an email in a bad light. Let's just say that Mr. Thaksin is an ex-cop and leave it at that!

And now the latest is that King Thaksin's passport has been revoked. Remember too that he is known to dislike the monarchy and wants to replace it with a Republic. He met a set of prominent politicians and business leaders in Finland a year or three ago with a view to getting rid of the Thai monarchy and 'the word on the street' (God, I sound like Huggy Bear from Starsky & Hutch!) his long term goal is to become the first President of Thailand.

Personally, I find it strange the way that the news media especially from USA and the BBC portray and treat Thaksin as the good guy, not once mentioning his atrocities in Tak Bai where 100 or so unarmed protesters were beaten up, then trussed up like chickens and forced to lie face down in a truck in 100+ degree heat whereupon they all died in police custody. Don't forget the 3,000 + 'extra-judicial' (don't you just love that adjective!) killings when he promised (quite stupidly) that he could rid Thailand of drug dealers in three months.

The list goes on and on and only serves to show how much of a meglomaniac the man really is. I was appalled at how rudely the CNN journalist talked to Abhisist almost treating him as though he were the criminal yet when Thaksin spoke he seemed to largely be receiving her sympathy yet he is a convicted criminal who is too much of a coward to go home and face the music in his own country. This is a man who in those interviews repeatedly said he wanted 'true democracy', like he even knows what that is since nobody received it during his tenure in office, only law suits and subpoenas if they (read foreign and local journalists) wrote anything unfavourable about him.

This is a comment a reader of The Bangkok Post recently wrote:

"I am not going to claim any big conspiracy theory... I will just say that the reason BBC and CNN have not slammed on Thaksin is that they simply don't pay attention to Thailand on a daily basis and when their reporters have to do a story, they do a quick literature search to gain perspective..."

"What they find in their search is that Thaksin has been a darling of the international business community for some time... mostly because he has repeatedly been willing to sell off or sell out the country without hesitation. He is a wall-street hero! One needs to look no further than the multiple Economist articles that have been banned in Thailand. When you read these articles, you'd swear that they were talking about someone else. Articles written as fact are bloated with opinions... all of which portray Thaksin as a greater market liberator and champion of the poor... they down play his excesses and almost glorify his extrajudicial killings as the "get tough" man that Thailand needs... they portray his removal as a crime against democracy and his convictions as minor infractions."

"The transnational business world hates the traditional sources of power in Thailand because they hinder the ability for external investors to plunder the country... Thaksin, as the plunderer-in-chief has always had a receptive ear in the West. When my fellow farang have their thoughts on money, they will ignore almost any crime or usurpation. It may just be that the business world is starting to turn their back on Thaksin as his involvement at this stage will only lead to civil war and Abhisit represents someone in the middle that may not be their first choice, but someone that they can work with."

Now don't get to thinking that Thailand has always been this squeaky clean democratic country where everyone is elected fairly and everyone has a fair say in the running of the country and the election of its leaders. The fact is that Thailand has for a long time had a constitutional monarchy, and since that time e.g. since 1932, of a constitutional monarchy, Thailand has had: 17 coups, 17 constitution drafts, 27 Prime Ministers, 5 leaders with various “Chairman” titles, 37 states of emergencies, 53 house dissolutions, 29 years of martial law, and 163 cabinet reshuffles – all in 77 years! No democracy ever, so whilst I think King Thakisn is a cancer of unimaginable size in Thailand, if it wasn't him raping the country, it would be some other tyrant such is the scale of the problem.

As always, whoever pays the piper, calls the tune, and right now there's a long queue for who gets that privilege.

If you want to view some recent satire, check out this hilarious link to Thaksin the Rapper! (aka his nickname - 'maew' which means 'cat' in Thai)

Thaksin Rap - http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/Thaksin-Rap-t258446.html

'We happy few...we band of brothers!'

I just love this picture of the monks with the dusty letters above saying in English - 'I love you'. This pic was taken in Laos in March, 2009. I was speeding behind in a Laos version of a tuk tuk and had to focus quickly and hope for the best. I think it turned out well considering.

Laos visa run - March 4-7th, 2009

This post is a record of my recent trip to Vientiane, Laos for a Non-Immigrant ‘O’ family visa.

I left early morning on the Wednesday of the 4th March. The taxi came at 5:30 am and miraculously we were at Suvarnabhumi Airport 35 minutes later. Eat your heart out Scumacher!

I had booked and paid for a return trip to Udon Thani via Air Asia. The cost was 2,099.83 baht for the return journey. The flight, FD 3360, was on time and was over before it began – only one hour in duration.


At Udon Thani Airport, I waited at the carousel for my bags, which came with the minimum of time wasted, and I was soon off to find a mini bus to take me to the Nong Khai border. The cost for this is 200 baht and you can buy a ticket before you leave the airport terminal (opposite the baggage carousel).

The journey was a pleasant one and I chatted to an English lady traveling in the country with her husband. The only event that stands out here was when we saw a guy on the ground who’d obviously been involved in a fairly serious motorbike accident and there was a fair bit of blood. If the state of his bike was anything to go by, he must’ve been in a bad way. An ambulance soon shot past us in his direction much to our relief.

At the Nong Khai border there were quite a few people intent on crossing – most of them were foreigners with a sprinkling of locals.

The process itself took about an hour or so and was relatively painless. First you had to go through the Thai side, which just simply required you to present your passport to get an exit stamp.


Then a 15 baht bus came and over the Laos Friendship Bridge we went.
There wasn’t much room on the bus so it was a bit of a squeeze especially if you have heavy bags to carry and/or take care of.


At the Laos side, we filled out the entry forms and paid the money in Window 1. Window 2 is for asking for forms and Window three

is for receiving back your passport after about 20 minutes.

Then I hooked up with a couple of English guys who had booked a taxi to take us into The Royal Thai Embassy, Vientiane for 200 baht. It was imperative that we submit our passports before 12 O’clock so we didn’t lose a day.


We went to the first counter just inside the embassy and is really nothing more than a courtyard area. We submitted our carefully prepared documents. I was very surprised to find that they were not interested in my financial statements as that was the reason Suan Phlu in Bangkok rejected my application before for the Non O visa e.g. that all my money was in GBP in an offshore account and not in Thai baht. The only thing they queried in terms of my application was my photos (you need two here) as I hadn’t had time to get more printed professionally and resorted to printing out two from my computer via my colour printer. I really hadn’t expected to get away with it and they were pretty scrupulous about this.

After all the documents were submitted, we headed for Mongkol Hotel http://www.vientiane-hotel-link.com/Mongkol_Hotel at the recommendation of the taxi driver. It’s on the river about a 20-minute drive from the embassy. The view from the hotel road is pretty awe inspiring as it looks over the Mekong rive onto the Thai side and the sunsets are pretty spectacular.

As I was the main Thai speaker, I negotiated three rooms all for 800 baht each. This included 2 doubles and a twin. I took the twin. After a quick wash and brush up, we went off to sample some of the local ‘amber nectar in’ the form of Beer Laos. Several bottles later we hit the hay.

The next day we had the hotel breakfast which is available between 7-10 am (included in the 800 baht price) which was really nice and consisted of the usual and ubiquitous American breakfast delights: eggs, ham, bacon, salad, fruit, orange juice, toast and coffee. To look at, the coffee is like treacle though, but tastes ok.
After that, we went for a walk and toured the local scenery along the main arterial road that brought us to the hotel the day before. We then stopped and had some snacks in a nearby ‘ran ahan-cum-noodle shop’. The great thing about Laos is that everyone speaks Thai so if you have a smidgeon of the language it goes a long way in Vientiane.
At about midday we headed back to the embassy and as it was not open till 1pm, we imbibed a few drinks in the little ‘ran deum’ shop across the street from the embassy. At about 1:15 the embassy gates opened (apparently the rumour was that the chubby Princess was visiting that day hence the delay).
The process for reclaiming your passport complete with stamp is that you get a laminated card with a number on it from the guard just inside the embassy gates. There were about 100+ of these cards given out so that should give you an indication of a normal day’s traffic there to collect passports.
I’d say it took about 30-40 minutes to get my passport back, but I was one of the later ones to join the queue. If you want it faster, then get there early is probably the best bet. I wasn’t in any hurry as I was planning to stay another night in the hotel.
I said goodbye to the English guys I had met and headed back to the hotel. The following morning I arranged for a taxi to the border by talking to the tuk tuk guys outside the hotel. If you book a taxi from the airport, they’ll charge you 400 baht irrespective of whether there is one person or 4 so take the tuk tuks outside. I got mine for just over US$7 (about 250 baht). We then headed for the border again which took exactly 45 minutes and was pleasant drive with a strong morning breeze.

At the border, I filled out the exit/departure card for Laos and submitted it. Then it was just a matter of paying 10 baht to cross over the bridge again to the Thai side which took about half an hour in total. I then filled out the arrival’s card for the Thai immigration. Make sure you have one of these if you can as they don’t leave them out and you have to find the right person to give you one. This is on top of trying to regain your position in the queue, which is pretty long. Fortunately for me, I had helped a girl with her bag to get into the bus and she returned the favour by moving my bag up a place whilst I ran around looking for the arrival’s card giver-outer!

From there I got the single entry stamp as expected, which gave me 90 days. I crossed over no problem onto the Thai side and had an annoying pick up driver trying to badger me to taking a 700 baht trip in his truck. I had to be rude just to get rid of him. The best way is to take a tuk tuk outside the Nong Khai border. They come every few mins, fill up quickly and take you to TESCO lotus in Nong Khai. The cost is only 50 baht each person.

From there you can walk through the TESCO car park, then across the main road opposite and wait for the blue, inter city ‘rot tooa’ coaches which go by pretty frequently. I got one to Udon Thani in about 20 minutes and arrived in Udon about an hour later after picking everyone along the way except for a few camels!

The bus then rolled in to Udon Thani bus station and I took an 80-baht taxi to the town center (‘klang muang’) on the recommendation of a local ran ahan lady owner and her son who recommended Udon hotel.

The hotel was cheaper and nicer than the hotel in Laos. It was 520 baht including a nice breakfast. There are nicer facilities too like three Riley snooker tables at 80 baht per hour and there’s a great spa place on the second floor where you can be entertained by 4 ladies chatting throughout the foot massage. The foot massage was 200 baht but the bellboy told me earlier that it was actually only 150 baht but I didn’t query it given the cheapness of the price.

That night I slept like a baby. The room was clean and had a huge bath tub as well which I took advantage of after my massage. I had the fabulous breakfast and took a tuk tuk outside the hotel again for 80 baht. The airport is only about 6 kms from the hotel or so the reception staff told me. The driver wanted 120 baht to start with but I bargained him down and gave him the 80 baht plus a 10 baht tip.

One thing I will say about Air Asia though is that if you wanted to check in your bags early, you can’t as the check in desk doesn’t open till two hours before your flight which means you have to check out of your hotel before 12 and hang around for a few hours. Still, I didn’t mind and knocked a few balls around on a snooker table to kill an hour.

The return flight was as easy and relaxed as the original one and the airline staff were friendly and chatty.

All in all I would fully recommend this trip to anyone intent on getting a new visa as I have been to Cambodia and Penang and neither compare with how easy this trip was for me.

Good luck. Do post your comments and questions on my blog if you have any or need further clarification. And feel free to check out other photos, which I have put on Photobucket. See the link below.

Bon voyage!

Laos visa run pictures - March 4-7th, 2009

Photobucket Album

Crimespree Magazine: Colin Cotterill From Issue 15 -Nov/Dec 2006

Crimespree Magazine: Colin Cotterill From Issue 15 -Nov/Dec 2006

If it looks like a duck…

I recently lamented the state of the nation and with the product of so many of the UK’s schools: kids turning out with little respect for others, less themselves. (http://www.speakwithoutinterruption.com/site/2009/02/anonymous-arrogance/comment-page-1/#comment-99") We have produced a youth of today that finds it much easier to deliberately diss the efforts of others, where young people get seem to get some kind of Schadenfreude joy. I think it’s sad but true. So let’s call it what it is and not duck the issue.

Yet there are those in the education sector who believe that all is well with the system and that no child has been ‘left behind’. Too much testing, a rigorous ‘teach-for-the-test’ approach, a rigid, failsafe way to produce results not smart, creative individuals, is what’s at the heart of the British system, but it is not the only problem.

If you read the report that came out recently about youngsters in the UK being the unhappiest in the developed world, you’ll know what I mean. Here’s the headline - ‘Childhood ruined by ‘me-first’ society, landmark report claims - Children’s lives are being blighted by Britain’s selfish society, a landmark report has concluded.’ Here’s the URL if you’re interested (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/children_shealth/4435100/Childhood-ruined-by-me-first-society-landmark-report-claims.html)

As the author of the article says,

‘The Good Childhood Inquiry claims that almost all of the problems now facing young people stem from the culture of “excessive individualism” that has developed in recent decades. It says the “me-first” attitude of adults is causing family breakdowns, competition in education, a growing gap between rich and poor, unkindness among teenagers and premature sexualisation by advertisers. The pioneering two-year investigation, backed by the Archbishop of Canterbury and based on interviews with 35,000 children, parents and professionals, claims British children are less happy than those in almost any other developed country.’

How strange then to read in The Daily Telegraph this morning that the root cause of so much of this misery is connected to the recruitment system. We learnt today for example that Almost 7,000 criminals 'applied to be teachers' last year’. The convictions were uncovered in a Freedom of Information request to the Criminal Records Bureau. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/4787846/Almost-7000-criminals-applied-to-be-teachers-last-year.html)

Is it any wonder with these problems that today’s kids are turning out with a ‘me me me’ attitude with absolutely zero respect for the world they find themselves in? If 7,000 were criminals were detected, it’s more than possible that twice that number applied and are now teaching in schools up and down the country. Is it any wonder then that the kids grow up full of resentment given these problems? When the morals they learn at school play a big part in defining who the will become as adults?

A spokesman for the The Department for Children, Schools and Families said, ‘It's important to remember that these figures are for people who applied for a job in teaching and do not refer to those who were appointed. These figures show the system is effective in blocking those who should not be working with children. And since 2007, tough new regulations provide that all those convicted or cautioned of sex offences against children are automatically barred from working with them.’

Somehow I do not feel reassured by these words.